Forever Is a Long Time to Get Your Life Together: A Review of I SUCK: A Vampire Comedy

​Derek Heeren brings a fresh dose of blood to the Hollywood Fringe Festival with I SUCK: A Vampire Comedy. This witty solo show turns one vampire’s eternal identity crisis into an inventive, funny, and unexpectedly moving hour of theatre.

I SUCK: A Vampire Comedy
Written and performed by Derek Heeren
Directed by Guy Picot
Produced by Jessica Glassberg
The Hobgoblin Playhouse on Gardner, Main Stage
1516 N. Gardner St., Los Angeles, CA 90046
Runtime: 60 minutes
Tickets and information: Available here

Dracula has his castle. Lestat de Lioncourt has centuries of charisma, influence, and decadence. The Cullens have their beautiful homes, expensive cars, and enough money to make eternal life look remarkably comfortable. Eric Northman owns a nightclub and carries himself with the confidence of someone who has survived for more than a thousand years.

Fiction is filled with vampires who seem to have figured it all out. When time is no longer an obstacle, imagine what you could accomplish. You could earn multiple degrees, learn several languages, acquire property, collect priceless treasures, and build a fortune beyond the reach of ordinary mortals.
Then there is Stan, who has spent roughly eleven hundred years doing almost none of that.
Born Æthelstan of Northumbria, he began life as a commoner who craved power and dreamed of becoming something greater. More than a millennium later, he has no castle, hidden fortune, or collection of ancient artifacts. He is a burned-out middle manager in Toledo, living paycheck to paycheck and wondering how it all went so completely wrong.

Written and performed by Derek Heeren, I SUCK: A Vampire Comedy turns that wonderfully absurd premise into an hour filled with laughter, supernatural chaos, and surprising emotional depth.
In this one-vampire comedy, Heeren brings an entire cast to life. Over the course of the hour, he shifts between roughly half a dozen distinct personalities, including members of Stan’s family and his imposing sire, the larger-than-life figure who cursed him with this dark gift. The ancient vampire possesses the wealth, confidence, and influence Stan once imagined eternity would bring. We also encounter several delightfully strange figures from heaven, hell, and everywhere in between. Small changes in posture, voice, and rhythm make each role immediately recognizable while allowing the story to move effortlessly between them.

At the center of it all is an exhausted immortal who is nothing like the powerful creatures of the night we have come to expect. He is tired, lonely, deeply depressed, and unsure of where he fits in. He complains, spirals, and repeatedly finds himself overwhelmed by the consequences of his own choices, yet he remains remarkably easy to root for. Heeren’s comedic timing keeps him funny without reducing him to a single joke. They give his loneliness enough weight to prevent him from becoming cartoonish or an absurd parody.

Director Guy Picot makes excellent use of the intimate stage at the Hobgoblin Playhouse. The set consists primarily of a table and chair, but the space continually transforms. Through smart staging, sound, and acting choices, we move through a therapist’s office, an Applebee’s, a hospital, the pearly gates, and even hell itself. With very little scenery, the production creates a surprisingly immersive landscape.

The writing is playful and consistently clever, finding laughs in vampire mythology, historical references, and the enormous gap between the existence Stan wanted and the one he created. The audience remained engaged throughout, but the quieter moments are equally important, and there are some very tender, sincere moments.

Stan may be immortal, but his struggle is deeply human. He has spent centuries chasing power without recognizing the value of the people beside him. His journey becomes a reminder that our most precious resource is not money, influence, or even endless existence. It is time: how we choose to spend it, who we share it with, and whether we appreciate the people who matter before that time slips away.
Eternal life means very little if you never learn how to live it.

This show was an unexpected delight and a clever twist on the supernatural gothic horror genre. I had a wonderful time watching this deeply flawed vampire stumble through his existential crisis, and I would happily spend more time with him. He is funny and sympathetic enough that I could easily imagine his misadventures expanded into a larger format, such as a television series or a movie.

For a vampire who has spent eleven hundred years struggling to get his life together, Stan makes a remarkably strong case for spending one hour with him. The production delivers plenty of laughs before driving an unexpected stake through the audience’s hearts